It’s safe to say the phrase “Think outside the box” has seen its day. That’s NOT what this is about.
The Arbinger Institute is an international training, consulting and coaching firm that focuses on conflict resolution–in organizations, families, countries and communities. I’ve read two of their books, Leadership and Self Deception and The Anatomy of Peace. I’ve also attended one of their 8-week courses.
They present their information, lessons and strategies in fascinating and real-life ways. Through characters in each of these books, the authors showcase relationships that are marred by communication gaps and conflicts. Those involved think it’s bad, but not that bad…until they take a closer look and learn about the box.
In vs. Out
According to Arbinger, when people are “in the box”, they are not using effective communication skills. They treat others as objects, and not human beings with feelings and emotions. We behave as if we’re better than others. When we are outside “the box”, we show compassion and care for our fellow humans. If two people in a conversation are both “in the box”, there’s trouble because there’s little room for progress, negotiation and positive outcomes. One example in Leadership and Self-Deception may sound familiar to you.
You’re seated on a crowded bus or train and the seat next to you is empty. Do you put your bag on it, hide behind your newspaper and hope no one will squeeze in? We’ve all been on both sides of this situation–the one who is seated and “in the box”, and the stressed passenger desperately searching for a place to sit. If the seated passenger was “out of the box”, he may make eye contact and smile at someone, silently sending a welcome signal to them.
Awareness and The Box
Be aware of the interactions you have with colleagues, clients, relatives, neighbors and, yes, even the waiter, car wash attendant and woman shopping next to you at Target. Do you treat them as objects or people? How do you feel when you are “in the box” and how does it feel when you’re out of the box. One thing to keep in mind is that you can be “in the box” during a phone conversation with your partner or spouse, and a few minutes later be “out of the box” when you meet with a new client.
Effective communicators and leaders operate ”outside the box.” That’s why they seem to easily build consensus, are likeable and achieve positive results.
So, where you are? In or out?
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