Many of us-especially women (who tend to nurture and over extend ourselves) are often reminded, “take care of yourself.”
As an entrepreneur with a husband, two teenagers and a golden retriever named Wally, I have found that simple requests allow me to take better care of myself. Some call it self protection. You may call it setting boundaries. And yes, sometimes it involves a spur of the moment visit to the spa or mall.
At work, these simple requests may be asking my Virtual Assistant to handle a task that I can do but don’t enjoy. At home, I sometimes tell my 17-year-old daughter Stephanie that I don’t want to turn on a movie at 11:30 PM; I’m going to sleep (where was she at 7 PM?!!). Do these scenarios sound remotely familiar?
Making simple requests in our communication is harder than it sounds. But it’s critical if you want to take care of yourself and get along with others. Making simple requests means we use assertive communication and clarity. Here are a few examples you can apply in your own relationships. Notice the absence of emotional language.
A brief request is an observation that doesn’t typically require justification. You may explain a problem like this:
- “It’s hot in here.”
- “These seem a little loose.”
- “It’s a long way to walk.”
A softening statement allows you to be reasonable and polite instead of over demanding and pushy. These soft openers are less likely to be met with a defensive attitude or resistance. Consider these:
- “Would you mind if…”
- “It would be helpful if you could…”
- “I’d appreciate it if you would…”
- “Could I have…” (smiling of course)
- “Hi, I was wondering if…”
The appreciation statement will help guide the other person to a mindset of “yes”. Try these:
- “This will really help me out.”
- “Thanks for your effort with this.”
- “This will make a real difference.”
- “This is much appreciated.”
Let’s put these together. If you’re on a crowded city bus you may say, “It’s a bit tight here. Could you please move your bag off the seat to make some room? I’d really appreciate it.”
In a restaurant, you may say, “The sun’s really bright today. Would you mind lowering the shade a little? Thanks so much.”
These tools allow you to express exactly what you would like done while still being kind and having your needs met. The key is to remember that your tone of voice and eye contact/body language must match your words. You have to be congruent. These skills will all be for naught if you use a harsh tone of voice accompanied by a sharp, icy stare.
In the end, this style of communication–of taking care of yourself–will help improve your quality of life. Less stress and a calm demeanor. Works for me.
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I’m glad I read to the end of this message. All three are necessary for effective communication. Too often it stops with “it’s hot in here,” followed by an expectation of action based on what was not said.
The problem is that not making the request inhibits proper communication.
It’s possible that the person toward whom the comment is directed thinks that hot is good, so takes the incomplete request as a compliment. It’s also possible that the listener would take it as a complaint without any willingness to do anything about it. It all depends on the listener’s background and expectations.
Before we got married, I told my wife that I don’t take hints well, “sometimes intentionally.” I told her about how lack of trustworthy communication helped destroy my parents’ marriage. I didn’t want “hints” and indirect comments. I had enough of those. If you want me to do something, ask.
Thanks for noting that it takes all three to make a pleasant, clear request.
I notice that each of your “softening statements” contains a specific request: Move your bag. Lower the shade. That’s a key part of effective communication: don’t just express a complaint, and don’t make the other person guess what you want them to do. Make a specific request, couched — as you’ve demonstrated — in polite and affirming terms.
Keep this up, and you’ll demolish the (completely unjustified) impression that everyone from New Jersey is unfriendly. ;-)
Hi Larry,
Believe me, the “NJ attitude and edge” were certainly on my mind as I wrote this! I appreciate your comment on the specifics of the softening statements. It truly can change the feel and tone of the interaction—from the get-go.
Cheers~
Susan
Once again Joe, I enjoyed your feedback. Thank you for sharing your personal story as well. I agree that hints and indirect communication can be frustrating and result in broken relationships. Of course making assumptions and reading between the lines leads to confusion and breakdowns in communication too. Thanks for your insights and comment.
Best~
Susan